i think about divorce more than i’d like to admit
what I and Ophelia have in common
Marriage is always risky for women, and I often have to remind myself that mine is no different. I don’t pretend like my marriage is something it’s not. It’s why I’ve never posted a picture us of anywhere; our relationship feels too personal for that. I wouldn’t be doing mine justice by sharing two-dimensional reflections of us. For marriage is a complex thing, so delicate yet it is meant to stand the test of time. But just because it is supposed to last doesn’t mean it always should.
Someway or another, marriage so easily makes a mess for women. In the twenty first century, marriage remains an impenetrable patriarchal structure. It’s funny that domestic violence isn’t considered an epidemic, despite killing at least tens of thousands of women every year. But if we called it an epidemic wouldn’t women stop getting married altogether?
a history of toxicity
I think of women in the Victorian era, how divorce could be their entire undoing. I think about women in conservative societies today, how divorce would leave them with nothing but blame. Though divorce wouldn’t undo me financially, it would undo so much more. I’d lose so much standing in society that the idea of getting married again would be off the table.
I think of John Everett Millais’s Ophelia who lies before me as I write this. How the prospect of marriage became her undoing; how the resulting grief drove her out of her mind, so that when death came for her, she allowed the water to take her away. I recently learned that the model that posed for the painting laid in a bathtub wearing a wedding dress until it made her deathly ill. I think that’s a great metaphor for marriage.
I think about Annie Chapman, one of Jack the Ripper’s victims whose grave I visited recently. How she lost everything after her husband died, leading her down a path of alcoholism and casual prostitution—the path that would lead to the worse thing to ever happen to her, the singular thing she is remembered for. It makes me angry that there weren’t any safety nets for women back then. Then again, just because you have a safety net doesn’t mean you won’t sink. Isn’t it ironic that she was around at the same time as Ophelia?
bringing it back to the present
I think about the movie Thappad, where the protagonist’s husbands slaps her once, publicly, I might add, and she decides she’s done. Even then, people tell her it’s not enough, it’s not a bad enough thing for her to want to leave him. So, just one slap then? they ask. But she remains steadfast. He cannot slap me. Is desi culture really so toxic? That we want women to stay married so bad that we’re willing to let them die?
It’s an understatement to say that marrying the wrong person will ruin your life. And not all women have the strength and support to get out of a bad situation. So we normalize it instead. And the cycle continues. People would rather their daughters get into a bad marriage at 25 than a good one at 30. You can’t tell me you believe that and also love your children. Real love isn’t selfish like that.
I will be releasing a longer post on toxic desi wedding culture on January 3 here.
It’s truly heartbreaking. As a man—even though I’m just 19—I feel shattered after reading these words. How can a man harm a woman? Forget society for a moment—it always seems to favor injustice, always eager to point fingers at the wrong person, always taking some twisted pleasure in watching the innocent suffer. But what about the man? The one she trusted enough to leave her world behind. The one she chose over everything she knew—her parents, her home, her comforts, even her identity.
She changes her last name, her routine, her life—just to build something new with him. And yet, some men repay this love and sacrifice with cruelty, with indifference, with silence that screams louder than any argument.
Being a man doesn't mean having power over someone; it means being strong enough to protect, to respect, to carry love with gentleness. And if a man cannot even honor the heart that beats for him, then he’s failed—not just as a husband or a partner, but as a human being.
I really love the points made here. People where I live seem to have this toxic idea that if you're not married with kids by the time you're 23, there is something wrong with you. And it's led to so many unhappy people, divorce, abandoned children, etc. But they never learn.