Emma, this is my favorite post of yours. The point you bring up about how many men and their families expect you to relocate for them instead of the other way around is so important! Just last year, I was talking to a family friend my mom was trying to set me up with who lives in Edinburgh. He expected me to move there since he had a job there - even though he's not even a citizen in the UK. He also expected children, and was very angry when I said I didn't want any. I was upset by his reaction and decided I was not going to progress forward with getting to know him. My family members begged me to give him another chance. Thankfully, I did not.
There are honestly so many instances that happen with other girls where they don't like the suitors that their parents present them with, and are criticized for being "too picky". We now live in a world where desi women are expected to work full-time, perform domestic duties, raise children, and take care of their aging in-laws. It seems as if our laundry lists have increased while a lot of families continue to be ignorant when it comes to raising their sons and being advocates for their daughters. A lot of women are starting to see the trade off just isn't worth it unless it's for a genuine romantic connection. Sadly, a lot of parents continue to pressure their daughters into getting married as a way to prevent them from becoming independent.
Thank you so much, I’m so glad you liked it! I’m so sorry that happened to you, proud of you for standing your ground. Completely agree, I’ve been married just under a year now and I can confirm that it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and couldn’t have done it if my partner wasn’t my best friend first. I strongly encourage Desi women to hang on as long as they can, easier said that done I know but the right person will make your life easier not harder🫶🏽
thank you, this means so much😭 the journey hasn’t been easy but the destination has been so worth it. we can all have what we want if we’re willing to challenge the expectations placed upon us🫶🏽
Right?! As if I don’t have the right to be ‘picky’ with who I want to share my life with. It’s as if we’re supposed to just accept whatever comes our way, without considering our happiness or life goals. Our lives aren’t some negotiation where we have to settle for less just to fulfill others' expectations. The pressure to conform to these outdated ideals is so exhausting.
I think a lot of people in our parent’s generations believe they sacrificed a lot for their kids, so now their kids have to do the same. They are uncomfortable with anything outside cultural norms and will justify oppression by saying, “That’s just the way life is. You have to compromise a lot.” Especially when it comes to their daughters!
I love how you’ve described the complexities of rishta and Desi wedding culture, especially the part about rejecting expectations that erase our individuality. There’s always been this pressure on women to conform, to settle, and to endure—as if our main purpose is to exist and wait around for some random dude. And it’s always the mediocre ones with the most ridiculous expectations. Expectations they don’t deserve. Love should liberate, not imprison.
I sure love random finds on Substack! It's inspiring to me personally, to see one so open about the absurdities of "the logistics of marriage," a trojan horse for "marriage is only logistics." A good sarcastic YouTube video idea some exhausted young Asian has probably thought of.
Loved this .everything is so accurate .wish this was taught in schools that no girl should stop her life to accommodate another man .why ? Just coz she needs a partner but why at a cost ?!!:(
This whole thing hits so hard. The part about rituals and traditions having to change with time is so accurate! I literally just had this thought last night and got so crazy mad over it. So many of those marriage rituals need to change, need to go, they're way too patriarchal. If I can, I would love to make the guy also have a bidaai, make him cry and leave his parents too. Because I'm so done with patriarchy at this point.
Luckily for me, I've pushed the whole looking for guys thing till I turn 25 and not before that. Of course I have relatives telling my mom to get started and stuff, but I am also unemployed at this moment so that helps too. I am already 24 though so it's coming, and I am already super annoyed! I keep getting into arguments with my parents on it. Like just yesterday I told them that I would only live at one particular place based on my job and not on the guy's job. And my dad had the audacity to say 'do you think the guy will move his career for you?' and I was like why not? Haven't women done enough of it already? I am already super stubborn and I know it but some things have to change. Enough is enough.
this is so excellently written — as a brown girl who recently turned 20 and is currently experiencing the kind of jarring shift from “don’t look at men” to “where’s your future husband,” you verbalized all my swirling thoughts perfectly!
Sooo interesting!! i love this article. I never knew how bad it could get until i went to Pakistan and found out my aunt had sent my photo to multiple friends of her and her husband and one of the guys had an interest in me 🤡 It was such a real moment because before that i had never even considered such a life for myself, where rishtas and visits like this could happen
Unmarried 40 year old Indian Christian here... a nice bonus of the 'respectable' profession I now practise (one I don't love but which I'm competent at and pays me enough that I don't need a partner for economic reasons) from age 25-35 was that saying it out loud to aunties in social settings was like casting a silencing spell on the "so, why aren't you married?/what about my [son/nephew/whoever]" that I could tell they were itching to come out with!
I still resented their treating my mother like she was a shopkeeper hiding goods in a store (i.e. me) from would-be purchasers (ie them) though, like she somehow owed it to any of these women to bully her only daughter into settling for one of their sons. Mind you, it's always the mother who gets blamed in cases like mine, no one would have had the gall to say anything to my father.
Wow, Emma. This was raw, beautifully written, and so relatable...even across cultures. I’m African, but much of your story feels like a copy-paste of my own experiences. The invisible threshold into 'eligibility', and the constant push to give up your own dreams for a 'stable' life..phew it all resonates deeply.
Thank you so much Hajar🥺 It makes me so happy to hear this resonates with you, albeit I wish it was under happier circumstances. Remember there’s someone for everyone, and you shouldn’t have to give yourself up to fulfill often arbitrary societal expectations🫶🏽
As a 30 year old who is unmarried, this post is relatable on many levels. I hope things change for future generations because there is no "right path" in life. But seeing how young desi people on the internet act, they sound like toxic aunties and uncles already.
So so close to home, and utterly relatable (sorry for the incoming essay).
As a newly-adult desi (also pakistani), the world of marriage expectations feels closer than ever. I’m relatively lucky to have progressive parents and a defensive nani, but regrettably barrier breaking parents don’t change the culture around us because of its monumentality
Despite my household, I worry, like other girls my age, that we’ll have to eventually settle for men we do not love, bc that’s what the culture dictates. And it’s so ironic considering how much the culture’s art lords over flowery themes of love and affection, yet it treats marriage like us girls are bargain bin items
Thank you for describing something that felt so hard to describe to others
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this!! I encourage you to transform these into an actual essay. I know it’s hard, but don’t ever give into this toxic aspect of our culture. your future self will thank you🫶🏽
I like this. My friend was just recently talking about this phase of life , how her parents, relatives, aunties are concerned to just get her married that they set out hunting way ahead of time. I don't wanna say anything more coz all that you've written resonates so well to what I would have felt being put in that situation.
Emma, this is my favorite post of yours. The point you bring up about how many men and their families expect you to relocate for them instead of the other way around is so important! Just last year, I was talking to a family friend my mom was trying to set me up with who lives in Edinburgh. He expected me to move there since he had a job there - even though he's not even a citizen in the UK. He also expected children, and was very angry when I said I didn't want any. I was upset by his reaction and decided I was not going to progress forward with getting to know him. My family members begged me to give him another chance. Thankfully, I did not.
There are honestly so many instances that happen with other girls where they don't like the suitors that their parents present them with, and are criticized for being "too picky". We now live in a world where desi women are expected to work full-time, perform domestic duties, raise children, and take care of their aging in-laws. It seems as if our laundry lists have increased while a lot of families continue to be ignorant when it comes to raising their sons and being advocates for their daughters. A lot of women are starting to see the trade off just isn't worth it unless it's for a genuine romantic connection. Sadly, a lot of parents continue to pressure their daughters into getting married as a way to prevent them from becoming independent.
Thank you so much, I’m so glad you liked it! I’m so sorry that happened to you, proud of you for standing your ground. Completely agree, I’ve been married just under a year now and I can confirm that it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and couldn’t have done it if my partner wasn’t my best friend first. I strongly encourage Desi women to hang on as long as they can, easier said that done I know but the right person will make your life easier not harder🫶🏽
Your story is so inspiring! I’m happy that you found someone who surpassed your expectations 💖
thank you, this means so much😭 the journey hasn’t been easy but the destination has been so worth it. we can all have what we want if we’re willing to challenge the expectations placed upon us🫶🏽
Right?! As if I don’t have the right to be ‘picky’ with who I want to share my life with. It’s as if we’re supposed to just accept whatever comes our way, without considering our happiness or life goals. Our lives aren’t some negotiation where we have to settle for less just to fulfill others' expectations. The pressure to conform to these outdated ideals is so exhausting.
I think a lot of people in our parent’s generations believe they sacrificed a lot for their kids, so now their kids have to do the same. They are uncomfortable with anything outside cultural norms and will justify oppression by saying, “That’s just the way life is. You have to compromise a lot.” Especially when it comes to their daughters!
Exactly. They’ve normalized sacrifice to the point where choosing happiness feels rebellious. And daughters are always expected to sacrifice the most.
I love how you’ve described the complexities of rishta and Desi wedding culture, especially the part about rejecting expectations that erase our individuality. There’s always been this pressure on women to conform, to settle, and to endure—as if our main purpose is to exist and wait around for some random dude. And it’s always the mediocre ones with the most ridiculous expectations. Expectations they don’t deserve. Love should liberate, not imprison.
thank you so much, Fatiah🫶🏽 yes, mediocre men are epidemic in desi culture. we must never surrender✊🏽
Never!
Thank you so much for mentioning my post.🥹❤️ It truly means a lot.🫶🏽💕
of course!! you really hit the nail on the head with this one🫶🏽
I sure love random finds on Substack! It's inspiring to me personally, to see one so open about the absurdities of "the logistics of marriage," a trojan horse for "marriage is only logistics." A good sarcastic YouTube video idea some exhausted young Asian has probably thought of.
Loved this .everything is so accurate .wish this was taught in schools that no girl should stop her life to accommodate another man .why ? Just coz she needs a partner but why at a cost ?!!:(
Sad state.
This whole thing hits so hard. The part about rituals and traditions having to change with time is so accurate! I literally just had this thought last night and got so crazy mad over it. So many of those marriage rituals need to change, need to go, they're way too patriarchal. If I can, I would love to make the guy also have a bidaai, make him cry and leave his parents too. Because I'm so done with patriarchy at this point.
Luckily for me, I've pushed the whole looking for guys thing till I turn 25 and not before that. Of course I have relatives telling my mom to get started and stuff, but I am also unemployed at this moment so that helps too. I am already 24 though so it's coming, and I am already super annoyed! I keep getting into arguments with my parents on it. Like just yesterday I told them that I would only live at one particular place based on my job and not on the guy's job. And my dad had the audacity to say 'do you think the guy will move his career for you?' and I was like why not? Haven't women done enough of it already? I am already super stubborn and I know it but some things have to change. Enough is enough.
this is so excellently written — as a brown girl who recently turned 20 and is currently experiencing the kind of jarring shift from “don’t look at men” to “where’s your future husband,” you verbalized all my swirling thoughts perfectly!
thank you so much daneen! I’m so glad you were able to relate to this🫶🏽
meeting a guy in london and dropping out of art school for marrying him reminds me of the movie polite society...
thanks for letting me know, I’ll be sure to watch it!
Sooo interesting!! i love this article. I never knew how bad it could get until i went to Pakistan and found out my aunt had sent my photo to multiple friends of her and her husband and one of the guys had an interest in me 🤡 It was such a real moment because before that i had never even considered such a life for myself, where rishtas and visits like this could happen
thank you so much, that’s so kind🫶🏽 you should write about it, I’d love to read your perspective!
Unmarried 40 year old Indian Christian here... a nice bonus of the 'respectable' profession I now practise (one I don't love but which I'm competent at and pays me enough that I don't need a partner for economic reasons) from age 25-35 was that saying it out loud to aunties in social settings was like casting a silencing spell on the "so, why aren't you married?/what about my [son/nephew/whoever]" that I could tell they were itching to come out with!
I still resented their treating my mother like she was a shopkeeper hiding goods in a store (i.e. me) from would-be purchasers (ie them) though, like she somehow owed it to any of these women to bully her only daughter into settling for one of their sons. Mind you, it's always the mother who gets blamed in cases like mine, no one would have had the gall to say anything to my father.
Wow, Emma. This was raw, beautifully written, and so relatable...even across cultures. I’m African, but much of your story feels like a copy-paste of my own experiences. The invisible threshold into 'eligibility', and the constant push to give up your own dreams for a 'stable' life..phew it all resonates deeply.
Thank you so much Hajar🥺 It makes me so happy to hear this resonates with you, albeit I wish it was under happier circumstances. Remember there’s someone for everyone, and you shouldn’t have to give yourself up to fulfill often arbitrary societal expectations🫶🏽
As a 30 year old who is unmarried, this post is relatable on many levels. I hope things change for future generations because there is no "right path" in life. But seeing how young desi people on the internet act, they sound like toxic aunties and uncles already.
My god literally ever word in this post is right. I love this so much
thank you so much🫶🏽🫶🏽
So so close to home, and utterly relatable (sorry for the incoming essay).
As a newly-adult desi (also pakistani), the world of marriage expectations feels closer than ever. I’m relatively lucky to have progressive parents and a defensive nani, but regrettably barrier breaking parents don’t change the culture around us because of its monumentality
Despite my household, I worry, like other girls my age, that we’ll have to eventually settle for men we do not love, bc that’s what the culture dictates. And it’s so ironic considering how much the culture’s art lords over flowery themes of love and affection, yet it treats marriage like us girls are bargain bin items
Thank you for describing something that felt so hard to describe to others
thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this!! I encourage you to transform these into an actual essay. I know it’s hard, but don’t ever give into this toxic aspect of our culture. your future self will thank you🫶🏽
you've captured what i've been feeling lately so well in this article! amazing read🙂↕️
thank you so much! stay strong🫶🏽
I like this. My friend was just recently talking about this phase of life , how her parents, relatives, aunties are concerned to just get her married that they set out hunting way ahead of time. I don't wanna say anything more coz all that you've written resonates so well to what I would have felt being put in that situation.
thank you for sharing! it makes me so happy to hear this resonates😌